It was a staggering night on the dance floor when teen heart throb Cody Wilson took his final bow. He packed his steamer trunk of hair products and his garment rack of poor fashion choices and made his way to the DWTS graveyard. That is to say “Good Morning America.” I never really warmed up to Cody. Once my husband pointed out his suspicions that Hugh Hefner might have planted his love seed in Australia, I couldn’t get past a JibJab vision of Cody’s head on Hef’s bathrobed body dirty dancing with that cute little Witney. But I think we’d all agree that when it came down to the final three, Cody was by far the better dancer. So, what happened? Let’s break it down.
Nene Leakes: Loud, proud and colossal. She’s not the great dancer that SHE thinks she is but she can certainly move. However, she’s also proof that pole dancing doesn’t equal glamor or grace. You can take the girl off the pole but you can’t take the pole out of the girl.
But Nene has a following in the Real Housewives viewing party set. Every week these gals don their fake eyelashes, spray tans and 2″ acrylic nails with leopard print nail art, and gather at someone’s home to sip wine, compare dress sizes, and watch The Real Housewives of Wherever. By 10:00 pm, the empty wine bottles are scattered and toppled, ashtrays are overflowing, wigs are askew, too-tight sequined mini dresses have ridden up and the Spanx are in full view. But the night is still plenty young and since they have no real lives themselves, they pull out their cell phones and hit the send button repeatedly before they head for the club. If the ladies could just refrain from weave-pullin cat fights over who slept with who’s man, Nene wouldn’t have found herself in the bottom three.
Candace Cameron-Bure: Candace has the Christian vote wrapped up. I’m a Christian myself so I am absolutely not picking on her expression of her faith. I think her courage to be bold for that faith and what she feels is important for her life in front of a national audience is highly commendable. But she has robbed us of a bare-chested Mark Ballas this season and I want my money back. I don’t tune in for Len Goodman.
I actually expected Candace would be going home for the simple reason that she doesn’t really have a fan base like Cody and Nene. We didn’t watch Full House for it’s intricate plot lines or deep character development, we watched it solely for Uncle Jess. Were there even any kids on that show? And of course the judges keep scoring her low because she spends more time ensuring her knees are covered than rehearsing. One can’t enact the Middle School 12-inch-distance-rule into ballroom dances that have been innate to various cultures for over 100 years and still get credit for doing the dance as it was meant to be.
Cody Simpson: This guy has a huge fan base so it’s no wonder he looked so dumbfounded when he got the boot. I’m personally dumbfounded that he has a fan base at all but teenagers’ brains aren’t fully developed so one has to be a little forgiving. Those teenagers are his very problems. First, do you know what time it is in Australia at 10:00 pm eastern time on Monday night? It’s 12:00 am……on WEDNESDAY. Boat missed.
But did you notice the amount of money tied up in Orthodontics in the crowd Monday night? By 10:00 pm on any given week night 1/2 of Cody’s American fans are grounded and have lost their phone privileges, a large percentage have limited call and text plans, a smaller group is pouting through family night playing board games with mom and dad, and then there are those oddballs who actually study.
It’s hard to win a voting competition when your fans aren’t old enough to shave and still do household chores to earn money to play skee ball at Dave and Buster’s. But the Catch 22 is that those whose brains have fully developed and can pay their own cell phone bills aren’t fans. So here’s how I would advise Cody:
1) Ditch the saggy paints. In 15 years you’ll be humiliated when you look back at pictures of yourself. We all make poor fashion choices when we’re young but the world is watching your shame.
2) Write a real song. “La Da Dee”? Really? I wrote that song in Kindergarten.
3) Look forward to the day your voice changes. Sounding like a breathy little girl just doesn’t earn you any man fans. Reference The Grateful Dead, Aerosmith, Kurt Cobain, and Jack Black for performers with man fans.
4) While you have great hair, try keeping your hands out of it. Play with your man parts like other respected performers who can’t figure out what to do with their hands during a performance.