originally posted May 20, 2010

Petey & Tina Belle,   2010

1. My dogs are really cute.  My dogs are SO cute, in fact, that I have become like the ugly girl at a nightclub with her pretty friend.   I walk them daily and, on average, we’re stopped 3 times a week by tourists who ask me to step aside so they can take pictures of them and with them.   Apparently I’ll be buying my own drinks.  Consider the last time a stranger stopped you on the street and asked to take a photo of your human child.  Oh, that’s right!  It hasn’t happened!
2. My dogs are very tidy.  When in public you’ll often see them cleaning up around themselves, eating any dropped crumbs, bugs, or general trash items.  Tina Belle will even go so far as to eat her own pooh rather than leave it on a sidewalk to make a mess.  When can you remember your kid taking one for the team like that in order to preserve our environment.
3.  My dogs are super friendly to everyone.  No one can walk past my dogs without being welcomed eagerly with barking and jumping.  Why, Tina Belle will chase you down and wrestle you to the ground in order to greet you, and Petey has been known to be so overcome with joy and excitement that he has accidentally bitten off a finger or two from an unsuspecting passerby.  But legally I’m not allowed to talk about that.
4.  My dogs are by nature very reserved and always under control.   We use a safety device consisting of a body harness with a lead attached to ensure that they are safely by our sides at all times.  You will never see Petey or Tina Belle running wildly thru a restaurant while other adults try to have a relaxing dinner.  Nor will you see them sticking their arms into the pitcher of tea meant to be used by the waitress to refill customers’ drinking glasses.   They don’t scream and cry incessantly, throw silverware, refuse to eat, stick straws up their noses or kick the back seat of the booth.
5.  My dogs are well dressed.  I think that statement is self explanatory.
6. My dogs are connoisseurs of fine cuisine.  They leapt from the womb eating steak and chicken, pizza and Cheerios from the table.  No high chairs, bibs, pureed pees,  smashed bananas, or orange glob that tries to fool the little genius by sticking a “Vegetable Turkey Dinner” label on the jar.   Even a 3-month old human is smarter than that.  Why do you think they spit it back at you or projectile vomit at the most inappropriate moments?
7. My dogs feed themselves.  Sure, I’m guilty of cutting up their food so they can easily chew and digest, but otherwise they’ve been capable of feeding themselves as soon as we brought the little bundles of joy home.  They don’t require human breasts, formula, bottles, heated milk or miniature spoons and dishes.  Frankly you could throw their food on the kitchen floor and in .005 seconds you’d never know it was there.  Refer to #2 above.
8.  My dogs can clean and groom themselves.   While I do offer spa bath services with deep conditioning treatments, furmination, and deep tissue massage on a bi-weekly basis, for the most part my dogs are skilled in cleaning themselves, even going so far as to wash each other should they notice a spot the other has missed.
9. My dogs go potty on their own.  My dogs know how to do #1 and bad potty without my help.   I don’t have to wipe dirty butts and apply Gold Bond ointment and I certainly don’t have to carry them to a toilet and ply them with Warheads and Fruit Rollups to convince them to drop a load. And cleaning up potty accidents in my house is as simple as picking up a bullet-sized pooh or quarter-sized tinkle with a piece of toilet tissue and flushing it.   Since I maintain that my views are completely objective, I will admit to dressing Petey in jeans and panty liners to avoid testosterone surges that result in unwanted marking of chairs, table legs, or Tina Belle.  However, we do ensure that he always looks stylish.  Refer to #5 above.
10. My dogs can babysit themselves. It’s quite an efficient system really.  They have a personal suite of their own within our home, filled with fluffy blue and pink blankets, decorative pillows they’ve stolen from the sofa and claimed as their own, and a big stuffed white rat.  It’s a veritable luxury resort where they’re often joined by friends including Fox, Horsey, Olive and Elephant.   When it’s time for the adults to head out to dinner or a movie, we provide room service consisting of a selection of tasty treats to be enjoyed in their personal suite where they will then curl up and snooze until we return.   Simple, civilized, inexpensive and hassle-free.